


Not Broken

by AsexualArchivist



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: But no actual sexy times because Jon is Not into that, Canon Asexual Character, Coming Out, Kinda?, M/M, Sexual Content, forced sexual encounters, ive never written anything even close to sexual so I’m not sure how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 17:14:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18760864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsexualArchivist/pseuds/AsexualArchivist
Summary: Jon wasn’t broken. He wasn’t.He just- had to do this. To prove to himself he was normal.Of course he was normal.He wasn’t- he couldn’t be- asexual.Could he?





	Not Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Hey what up guys! First magnus archives fic!
> 
> I wrote this using my own experiences about coming to terms with the fact that I was asexual. I don’t really know if it’s in character but it was cathartic for me.
> 
> Anyway write more ace characters 2KForever!
> 
> Content warning:  
> Jon tries to force himself to have sex with Martin even though he’s clearly terrified by the concept. There’s no actual sex but if this is gonna upset you you might not wanna read.

It was late; the sun had long since dipped down over the horizon, leaving Jon’s flat dark and cold. The lights were off. Jon tried hard not to think about the statement he had recorded earlier that day, in which a father realized too late that his daughter’s fear of the dark was... terrifyingly justified. He shook his head before the thoughts could burrow any deeper, then let out a sigh without meaning to. Perhaps it would be easier if that was his issue- things that go bump in the night, that is- then... this. This- thing he couldn’t surmount. This-

“Jon?”

The voice wasn’t loud, but Jon startled anyway, so deep in his thoughts he was. He sighed again, in irritation this time.

“Just a moment, Martin, I’m...” He paused, trying to remember just what it was he was doing. Stalling? Putting off the inevitable? Probably. “...thinking about something,” he finished lamely.

Martin didn’t mind, though. He understood. He always did. “Oh! Take your time, then, I’m not- I’m not going anywhere.” He laughed a little, nervous, Jon thought. At least he wasn’t the only one. But the thing clawing at Jon’s insides, the terror, the wrongness of it all, could hardly be called nervousness. For a moment it rose up, horrifyingly huge, overwhelming his senses and leaving him with a pit in his stomach large enough to rival the Flesh’s gaping maw. Jon quickly tamped it back down with a frustrated huff.

_We are_ not _doing that today, Jon,_ he told himself sternly. _You have to do this. For Martin._

That thought eased the fear a little, enough that Jon could stand on shaky legs and stumble his way into his bedroom.

And there was Martin.

If Jon were- were normal, the sight of Martin shirtless and laying on his bed with that soft, sweet look on his face would have brought him to his knees. As it was, Jon fought back a fresh wave of terror as he sat awkwardly on the bed next to him. He choked out a laugh- he didn’t know what for, to fill the silence, he supposed, and Martin gave him a funny look.

“Are you- alright? You look pale.”

“Yes, I’m- I’m fine, Martin.” He took a moment to collect his scattered thoughts. “I’ve just... never done this before.”

Martin smiled. “It’s alright. We can take it slow.” And just like that Martin’s arms were around him, leading his stiff shoulders down towards the bed. Then- slowly, slowly - Martin worked off Jon’s shirt, trailing kisses along his chest as it was exposed.

It was- fine. Jon was fine. Why wouldn’t he be fine? This was good. People liked this, right? So he should like it, he thought. Jon squeezed his eyes shut anyway, trying to keep from thinking about what happened next.

Martin was- surprisingly good at this, Jon couldn’t help but notice. Not that Jon had had any previous experience, but Martin seemed to know what he was doing. He murmured softly into Jon’s ear between kisses, calling him beautiful. Nobody had ever called Jon beautiful before Martin. Despite the nerves crackling just below his skin, Jon smiled, leaning into Martin’s touch just the slightest bit.

Then Martin’s hands creeped lower, down to Jon’s trousers, and the nerves jumped to the surface once more.

As Martin eased off his trousers, Jon’s mind spasmed wildly. He forced himself to calm down, to just let Martin- undress him. Martin was muttering something, so Jon tried to focus on that.

“Jon... mmh, you’re lovely...” he kissed Jon on his hip, lips trailing down, down, down-

“M-“ Jon started, feeling panic overtake him. He clamped his mouth shut, though, making himself take deep breaths as his brain scrambled for something else to think about, something to get him away from here.

Martin stopped, and Jon had to hold back a relieved sigh.

“Is everything alright, Jon?”

Not trusting himself to speak, Jon just nodded. He closed his eyes again as Martin kept going, removing his trousers, then- then his pants.

_Just breathe, Jon_ , he thought as his heart beat frantically, _Just-_

“I’m sorry, no,” said Martin abruptly, leaning away. Jon hadn’t realized how labored his breathing had become until that moment. God, there wasn’t enough air, he couldn’t get enough _air_.

“Jon, it’s okay,” Martin’s voice broke through the panic, and Jon breathed in deep, trying to remember what Martin said he did in these circumstances. Breathe in, hold, breathe out. Breathe in, hold, breathe out.

Jon took a few more breaths and sat up, unsurprised to see an angry look on Martin’s face. Jon chastised himself for being so weak.

“I’m sorry, Martin, I got a little...” He cleared his throat, sweating a bit at the growing anger and- worry, it seemed- plain on Martin’s face. “...ah, well, we can- we can try again in a moment-“

“Jon.” Martin sat cross-legged on the bed, facing Jon with a hard look in his eye. “You don’t want to have sex with me.”

It wasn’t a question. Jon sagged under the weight, under the truth of the statement. He felt tears come to his eyes unbidden, and he stubbornly ignored them as he spoke past the lump in his throat.

“I... I want to. I want to want you, that is, I- I guess.” His breathing was speeding up again, so Jon took a moment to collect himself before continuing. “I love you, Martin, but I... I can’t. H-have sex. With- anyone. I- can’t do it.”

Realization dawned on Martin’s face, overtaking the anger and worry. “Oh, Jon,” he muttered. “You’re asexual.”

Jon sputtered, struggling to deny it. “I- I am not, a-, _asexual_ , I’m- I’m _normal_ , okay? I can- I can fuck you, please just- I have to do this for you, Martin, it’s- it’s- you deserve someone who can- give you everything, so, I, uh...” he trailed off, unsure of himself. “M- maybe if you just... f-fuck me, I’ll be able to... I’ll be able to be normal. And I can make you happy, Martin. I- want you to be happy.”

Martin looked like he was about to cry, and Jon’s heart clenched with fear. What did he do? Did he just ruin everything?

“Why... why would you think I would want that, Jon?”

“I’m- sorry?”

Martin was crying, just a little bit, and he sniffed as he spoke. “Why would I want to have sex with you if I knew it was hurting you?”

Jon... hadn’t even considered that. “Well- you’re not-“ Jon couldn’t say the word, not yet, “uh, you- like sex... And people in relationships have sex, that’s- that’s what they _do_ , so I assumed-“

Martin cut him off with a watery laugh. “You always just assume, don’t you? You didn’t even stop to think that maybe forcing yourself to have sex with me would be bad for both of us. Why would you make me- _do_ that to you?”

Jon didn’t know what to say. “I’m- I’m sorry.”

Martin nodded and swiped at his eyes. “I don’t care about the sex, Jon. It was never about that, that’s not why I like you. I like you for- God, everything you are. You’re brilliant, and, and lovely, and even though you’re a bit of a handful sometimes-“

“Hey-“

“You are so incredibly kind, Jon. And you won’t admit it, you’ll go off on some rant about how you’re a monster or what have you, but it’s true., so. There. You’re kind. And I’m lucky to have you, not your- _dick_.” Martin grabbed hold of his hands, then, and looked into his eyes so earnestly that it almost threw Jon off balance. “I don’t care about any of it. If you don’t want it, I don’t want it. You’re all I need.”

Jon laughed, giddy with hope and love. “You won’t- change your mind and get bored of me?” 

“Of course not,” Martin smiled, and Jon felt tears prick the corners of his eyes. “But you have to tell me these things, Jon. This is something we need to talk about: how far you’re comfortable going. I would never do anything to hurt you. As if I could get turned on knowing I was- _forcing_ you.” Martin shuddered. “Promise me: next time something like this bothers you, you will tell me.”

Jon nodded dumbly, head still swimming with the realization that Martin didn’t mind about the sex. It was almost too good to be true.

“Good. Now, I think we should... get dressed, maybe? And I could fix some tea, if you like.”

Again, Jon simply nodded, his heart too full to speak. God, when did Martin become so... so wise? So- understanding? Jon supposed he had always been. How had he not realized sooner how _wonderful_ Martin was? 

They spent the next few minutes getting their clothes back on, while Jon turned the word “asexual” over in his mind. It felt- right, somehow. Terrifying and different- but right. Once they were dressed, he and Martin settled down on the couch and turned on Netflix. He let Martin choose, as usual, since he wasn’t much of a TV person himself. They cuddled quietly for awhile, the only sound the faint chatter of the latest cooking show Martin was binging. Finally, Jon broke the silence.

“You know, Martin, I- thought I was broken for most of my life.” He looked over at Martin, but he didn’t seem to want to interrupt. “I thought that maybe if- if I just tried it once, it wouldn’t be that bad. Maybe I would realize how stupid I was being by avoiding it for all these years.”

Martin didn’t speak, seeming content to wait for Jon to muddle through things on his own. He was grateful for that. 

“But I don’t want to. I don’t- _ever_ want to.” And the thought of that, of living his whole life never once having sex... it relieved him. “I am... asexual.” Another giddy laugh, encouraged by Martin’s warm smile. “I’m asexual, and- and you still love me, and I love you-“

Martin pull him in tight, holding him as if both their lives depended on it. “Of course I still love you,” he whispered. Jon melted, and the grin that spread across his face might have been the widest he’d smiled in years.

He was asexual, and Martin loved him.

He was asexual, and he was not broken.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I’m @babyneedsnack on tumblr if you wanna yell abt podcasts (always looking for new ones to listen to!)


End file.
